How to dismantle a memory?, 2014

Actually and first of all, this is only a draft. I haven’t found a satisfying answer yet.

For some unknown reason this last verse (of a Danny Schmidt song) „No there’s nothing in our culture about mountains no more/ And there’s no more stories about bridges“ made me think about my childhood, and made me think that I may remember things of my (childhood) past wrong, maybe I make it darker and worse than it actually was. So I tried remembering better things and found some close-to-good-ones. First I had this particular moment in mind, clear enough to take a picture with the camera, and then I found the words to describe the moment. I had two levels: picture, words. So far, so good.

But as soon as I had these two parts there always flared up a darker feeling, a more painful one. So this must mean that there is at least a third layer, but when trying to remember deeper and stronger I got stuck, I didn’t get the picture in my mind, it was all feeling, it was all fuzzy, I couldn’t get this feeling in an accurate form to describe it better, neither in words nor in pictures. Incredibly frustrating. Frustrating especially because I have to dismantle some memories to figure out some very particular things, but I neither know how to dismantle nor what to figure out. I only know that there is something that influences me and my behavior, and this is why I’ll do further tests on this topic every once in a while (when there is spare time, and when „dusk turns the window into a mirror“, as Truman Capote once wrote).

And it is almost always the case that - giving Morrissey a shot, too - „It was probably nothing but it felt like the world.“

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